‘Fifty Shades’ Decoded for Guys

It’s embarrassing but it’s true, I stumbled on the ultimate key to understanding the weird woman-appeal of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie and book. I’m not talking about ‘normal’ women, but the millions of women who have been making the author, E.L. James, very rich by buying her books and seeing the movie despite the general consensus that they both suck … badly. I’m not talking about the ordinary shades of suckage here; I’m referring to the fact that most people who’ve been exposed to any of it call it “bad pornography” at best and regarding the film: “possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen on purpose. Ever.”
Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t actually read the book or see the movie. I let other people do that for me. I value my sanity, and besides, it was more fun reading painful reviews like Reed Tucker’s in the New York Post entitled: “Five Questions about ‘Fifty…’ from a Confused Man.”

But while I was reading Tucker’s piece, the part that really hit me hard was how confused he was about women being drawn to the abusive main character, Christian Grey, who seems to be the opposite of what women claim to want. It’s true. Grey is irrational and moody, and those are his non-criminal attributes. His other crazy house-breaking and stalking and abuse early on when they’re not even a couple prompts Tucker to point out that in the real world people would be calling him ‘Defendant.’ But then it hit me. This is not even common behavior for men any more. Forty years of the American and United Kingdom justice systems’ focus on crushing domestic violence by men has made it kinda rare. Perhaps it’s because the prison’s are full of men with DV convictions and they’re all off the streets. Who knows? But you know what IS common now? WOMEN getting busted for this kind of behavior.

I’m not kidding. Spend some time in your local court house and you know what you’ll see? Woman after woman being brought before judges on DV charges accused of physical violence against their boyfriends. Violating restraining orders. Stalking. Breaking into the houses of ex-lovers. You name it. It’s a veritable epidemic of psycho, anti-social behavior.

So there’s your answer, Blockheads. These women aren’t lusting after this Grey idiot. They’re identifying with him! He’s really THEM down deep! He’s the male manifestation of all the crazy shit they’ve ever done or wanted to do in fits of rage during bad relationships. And why stop there? Maybe some of it is a voyeuristic revenge play where they live out all the tortures that they couldn’t pull off on those past bad guys. It doesn’t matter that the genders are swapped in the book/film. It’s an escape. Details don’t matter. And there you have it. Sure, I’m probably totally full of shit, but at least I didn’t have to watch any of it! Whew!


About GruntOfMonteCristo

Fearless and Devout Catholic Christian First, Loving Husband and Father Second, Pissed-Off Patriot Third, Rocket Engineer Dork Last.
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