Vox: Medical Tests Prove Barack Obama DNA “No More Than 12.5% Pussy” Despite Putin’s Claim

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Vox [Gruntington Post Parody] – Wild claims by Russian President Vladimir Putin, who stated on Russian TV that Obama was “100% pussy,” have been disproven by hard science.

Medical tests using a DNA sample voluntarily surrendered by the President, were processed by the George Washington University Hospital, and the results were published on the WhiteHouse.gov website as a PDF file image showing text in various incongruous fonts assembled haphazardly on a green, official-looking background, just like the previous versions of President Obama’s very convincing birth certificates.

The results, signed off by GWU senior research scientist, R.U. Cirrus, indicated that the President was “almost completely human,” with a break-down including East African, Southeast Asian, Irish-German Communist and a curious trace heritage of Chicago alley-cat, “probably Sphinx-tabby mutt.”

Several anti-science Republicans in the US House of Representatives immediately called into question the results, despite the bomb-proof conclusions. Ben Carson, who isn’t even a politician, stated in a Fox panel: “I really think that President Putin was speaking figuratively…” but he was immediately shouted down by Juan Williams, who is a senior and respected scientific voice in the journalistic community. He argued that Putin’s remarks were “typical of ignorant white Christian terrorists on the wrong side of history.”

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About GruntOfMonteCristo

Fearless and Devout Catholic Christian First, Loving Husband and Father Second, Pissed-Off Patriot Third, Rocket Engineer Dork Last.
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5 Responses to Vox: Medical Tests Prove Barack Obama DNA “No More Than 12.5% Pussy” Despite Putin’s Claim

  1. MadJack says:

    I think they meant to say Obama is 112.5% pussy.

  2. Adrienne says:

    I think this entire article is offensive and unfairly attacks the kitteh’s of the world. Teh Kitteh’s of the World™ have banded together and are holding a rally and protest this coming weekend to dispute Odumbo having any kitteh DNA. Long may the kitteh’s rule!!

  3. trailbee says:

    I think everyone missed the point. Putin was too polite to use other language, and settled on the least of the available offensive. Most of the cats, and photos I see of them, shows them snooooozing through much of what is on tv. No harm, no foul. 🙂

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